Euphoria!

I was sitting on the picnic bench outside the bldg's front door today, taking my break, reading my book and drinking coffee. Weather today predicts lots of rain and wind, but right then, it felt almost balmy.

All of a sudden, the wind picked up and all the fallen leaf lions were swirling and dancing in circles. What a sight! And at that very moment, I felt euphoric, for lack of a better word - very happy; glad to be alive. Not sure why; sure, it was a pretty sight to see all the different colored leaves swirling all over, but I almost felt like this was a profound moment for some reason.

And as quick as it came, then it quieted down. I felt almost bereft. For just a few seconds there, nothing mattered; my weight, K being sick, Mum not doing well, bills that are due, workplace insecure - all that disappeared for a brief moment.

If I could bottle that feeling, I'd be a rich woman.

Up and down

It's enough to drive me crazy (ier!) - I so miss the honeymoon period, where I was dropping weight like there was no tomorrow. And what's so puzzling is when I look at what I eat daily, it shouldn't be enough to be putting all this weight back. But there it is. I would have thought that I'd level off, at least, and just stay at one weight.

Been better the past few days and dropped a couple pounds since the weekend. I did weigh in at 185 Sunday morning and this morning, it said 182. I do alright mornings into early afternoon, but mid-afternoon, I start getting peckish and look for unhealthy treats. I'll even bring in my protein bars or an apple, but that's not what my brain wants. So I go have a few jellybeans or candy corn, and once I do that, I think to myself that the day is lost anyway, go have whatever. Nights are even worse - I'll have dinner, but afterwards, while I'm watching TV and playing on the computer, I have my glass of wine and then I want to snack - chips, crackers and cheese, cookies - whatever's there.

My size 12s still fit, but they're getting snug. I don't have any other sizes and I refuse! to go buy anything bigger. I almost wish a doctor would sew my lips shut and just allow a hole for a straw. Almost tempted to go look up a hypnotist; trick my brain into thinking that eating is just to sustain the body - NOT FOR ENJOYMENT!

Dang. I know all the right things to do. It's like an obsession, but my will power is nil. Maybe I should go see a shrink.

The perfect Xmas gift!

Aren't these gorgeous?

Got a friend, Jeff - occupation; kick-ass photographer.

He's got such a good eye for color and composition (almost sounds like I know what I'm talking about, huh?)

You can check out his other stuff here:

http://www.sinnockphotography.com

and here:

http://jeffreysinnock.redbubble.com

and here, too:

http://www.zazzle.com/jeffreysinnock

Christmas is coming - makes a perfect gift!

Some fixes

I've figured out how to let folks comment without having to register first, plus I found a cool line that you'll see below each post. I've seen them on other sites and I think they're fun.

I've also started another blog. K's been telling me for a while to get this up, especially when I come home from the club with another story. If you're interested, the link is over to the right, under "My Faves."

Almost quitting time. Then home to walk the Sparkster - glad to see the sun shining (been raining all day and that pup don't care for the wet stuff). Than a nap. Before tonight. Cuz I'm old.

Sigh. Mega Faries, hear my inner wishes and let us win tonight. I'm ready to retire.

Still Big!

Miss T asked me Sat if it was funny yet. Told her no; still too close :o)

Nothing exciting going on. Holding steady between 175 & 180. I'm just not strong enough to say "no" to the cookie when it calls. And as long as I don't go over 180, I don't really mind. I'm in a good place. It might not be goal, but it's good. Christmas is coming; I'll be doing a lot of baking, so I just have to watch it.

I find it interesting that in my head I am still big. My belly bothers me; my thighs looks huge, but the clothes I wear tell me something different - that I'm not as big as I think in my head. Sometimes when I really look in the mirror, I still amazed to see my chin/cheeks and collar bone. I'm amazed how some outfits I have make me look really slender. Because what I'm seeing doesn't fit the mental image, and I have to wonder when that becomes the norm. It's been a year and four months since surgery. I've been at my current weight pretty much since January (up & down). When will my head catch up with the bod?

One of the other ladies here at work that had had the surgery said she met a woman who had WLS 7 years ago. She had initially regained 40 pounds, but lost that and has maintained her goal weight all this time. I find that inspiring. One hears too many "she gained it all back" stories, and I just can't have that happen. At first, I was very cocky with "that will never happen to me," but that was way before my appetite came back and before it got easier to eat. Now I can totally see how easy it is to let yourself go and not monitor stuff and get right back up there.

I have noticed that sugar affects me more now. Since day one, I could do sugar and I did (in my coffee; every day). I would have chocolate/candy once in a blue moon. Eventually, I was able to eat cookies/cakes/pies. And I never experienced the "dumping syndrome." Well, I think it's catching up with me. If I eat/drink sugar now, my heart starts palpitating, I get all hot and flushed and I feel a bit jittery. I'm told that this is the dreaded "dumping," (I was never quite clear - I thought it meant throwing up). Apparently, sugar now has a lot shorter route to the heart, since a good portion of my intestines have been removed/rerouted, so it's like a hypo-needle straight to the heart, and the heart doesn't like that. So that's another incentive to lower the amount of sugar I eat, cuz when I go into dumping mode, I can't stand it - very uncomfortable and disconcerting.

Always something.