Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Honeymoon's over...

They call the first 9-12 months after weight loss surgery the honeymoon period, meaning you're going to lose weight and rapidly. I can see why - one's capacity for edible intake is severely limited, plus there's this overwhelming sense of just not wanting to eat. I can recall having to force myself many times, just because I knew I had to.

Sigh. The Honeymoon is (well, has been) officially over. And I believe my pouch has stretched out farther than I would have liked it to. I have gained weight back - I'm not saying how much only because it's so depressing and I cannot let it get to me.

All these things I thought I learned and trained myself on - out the window with the return of my appetite. Once I start eating, it's so hard to tell myself to stop. And because my pouch is still much smaller than my old stomach used to be, I can hurt myself if I go too far. It goes beyond feeling full - it can get painful, except it takes your mind, what, 10-15 minutes? to tell your stomach that it's full, so if you're not paying attention to what you're putting in your mouth, you can overfill it, and boom - ouch.

If I wanted chocolate, a mini-size was more than enough to satisfy my craving. Now I want the whole bar, so I have to cut that out all together until I get my head to a place where it understands moderation. Cookies - one was just fine. Now I want three or four. Just eating all kinds of crap that I shouldn't be and I know it while I'm eating it. So I don't understand how it is that this "want to eat" is so strong, after more than a year of hardly eating anything. One would think that the body is used to much less, so it doesn't need that much. So why the overwhelming hunger pangs?

I just refuse to allow myself to get back up there. My size 12 jeans still fit, but they're snug, whereas, for a little while there, they were just a bit loose (I wasthisclose to that size 10!) I know this comes off as vanity when I say my clothes aren't hanging as nice; therefore, I'm not feeling as pretty as I did, but it's not that. I am just SO AFRAID that I'm going to let myself slooooowwwwlllly gain it all back. And that's just not an option. I did not go through all of this just for a few months of being thin. I like being thin. I want to stay thin. I like writing that - I am thin and want to stay thin. I read back over some previous posts and I see "I like seeing what I see in the mirror more than what that "whatever" would have tasted" in several places.

Gotta get it back on the ball. Gotta up the water intake and cut out the crap. I was just too close to my goal to lose it now.

I'm not a praying woman, but dang - pray for me, 'k?