Still Big!

Miss T asked me Sat if it was funny yet. Told her no; still too close :o)

Nothing exciting going on. Holding steady between 175 & 180. I'm just not strong enough to say "no" to the cookie when it calls. And as long as I don't go over 180, I don't really mind. I'm in a good place. It might not be goal, but it's good. Christmas is coming; I'll be doing a lot of baking, so I just have to watch it.

I find it interesting that in my head I am still big. My belly bothers me; my thighs looks huge, but the clothes I wear tell me something different - that I'm not as big as I think in my head. Sometimes when I really look in the mirror, I still amazed to see my chin/cheeks and collar bone. I'm amazed how some outfits I have make me look really slender. Because what I'm seeing doesn't fit the mental image, and I have to wonder when that becomes the norm. It's been a year and four months since surgery. I've been at my current weight pretty much since January (up & down). When will my head catch up with the bod?

One of the other ladies here at work that had had the surgery said she met a woman who had WLS 7 years ago. She had initially regained 40 pounds, but lost that and has maintained her goal weight all this time. I find that inspiring. One hears too many "she gained it all back" stories, and I just can't have that happen. At first, I was very cocky with "that will never happen to me," but that was way before my appetite came back and before it got easier to eat. Now I can totally see how easy it is to let yourself go and not monitor stuff and get right back up there.

I have noticed that sugar affects me more now. Since day one, I could do sugar and I did (in my coffee; every day). I would have chocolate/candy once in a blue moon. Eventually, I was able to eat cookies/cakes/pies. And I never experienced the "dumping syndrome." Well, I think it's catching up with me. If I eat/drink sugar now, my heart starts palpitating, I get all hot and flushed and I feel a bit jittery. I'm told that this is the dreaded "dumping," (I was never quite clear - I thought it meant throwing up). Apparently, sugar now has a lot shorter route to the heart, since a good portion of my intestines have been removed/rerouted, so it's like a hypo-needle straight to the heart, and the heart doesn't like that. So that's another incentive to lower the amount of sugar I eat, cuz when I go into dumping mode, I can't stand it - very uncomfortable and disconcerting.

Always something.

Still not funny...

I'm hoping that when I think back on yesterday morning, that I'll eventually think it funny.

I told you I got the Acai berry stuff from Costco. 99% pure acai berry - pours almost like ketchup; thick and goopy. I've been taking the prescribed ounce daily since I bought it weekend before last. And it's not as foul as my brother-in-law intimated that it might be. I wouldn't call it yummy but totally doable.

Yesterday morning, I get back from walking Spark and we're ready to leave for work when I remember that I hadn't taken my ounce of Acai berry juice yet. So I go to the kitchen, grab the bottle off the fridge, shake it like it sez on the bottle and tried to open it. It wouldn't so I grabbed a tea towel and worked the cap. Before I knew what was happening, that shit exploded ALL OVER THE FLIPPING KITCHEN and ALL OVER ME!!! What a freakin' mess. Dark purple junk EVERYWHERE and I am not exaggerating here. K came running in after hearing the very loud "pop" and couldn't believe the state of the kitchen.

Took us 40 minutes to wipe that shit off the walls, the fridge, the cabinets, the dishwasher, the counter, the floor, etc. etc. etc. I was tempted to leave it until we got back home from work, but we were afraid it would stain, and we were right. On one wall that I did last, you can still see very faint splatter marks, so I'm glad we were able to clean it up so quickly.

Of course, that made us very late for work. Not happy about that at all. I felt like such a cartoon when I looked in the mirror. All over my new black slacks and my nearly-new black and white sweater. They're still soaking in the washing machine - didn't get a chance to run a load last night. I sure hope it comes out. Will be majorly bummed if they're ruined.

Co-worker told me it sounds like a processing problem and fermentation; that gas just built up so much due to the incorrect processing. Which kind of sounds weird to me, as I've been using it every day with no problems. Wonder why it would do that from one day to the next.

So, still too fresh to be funny. Did go to Costco today, though, and exchanged the bottle for a new one. I just hope it doesn't do it again.

It's working!

Back on track, for the most part. I've lost 5 pounds this past week that I had regained and that feels good. Still have the occasional something that I shouldn't, but I have the cookie/candy thing under much better control. Really lost it there for a while and had to redo my line of thinking.

And while I have my day-time snacking under much better control, I'm still fighting the night-time hungries. Dinners I do fine; it's while I'm finally at my computer with the TV on, with my glass of wine, and I'm relaxing. I'm trying to substitute stuff (pretzels instead of chips; little dill pickles instead of candies; that sort of thing), and for the most part, that's going OK.

But all of this has reinforced how much better I feel at this weight as opposed to what I once was. It feels good to have my jeans not straining at the button. I'm amazed what 5 pounds can feel like.

Just got to keep it up. I've realized this before, but this weight thing? It's going to have to be a conscious thing for the rest of my life.

Back on track...

I hope. I bought this Acai berry stuff from Costco (my brother-in-law recommended), plus I had Mega-T Green Tea with Hoodia tablets, and between the two, so far, so good. I don't feel all snacky today. Had my yogurt with my twigs and nuts this morning; having herring now and have an apple for my afternoon snack. Drank nearly a bottle of water so far. Probably TMI, but I've started a colon-cleanser regimen last night (also on my brother-in-law's recommendation). Didn't expect that to kick in so fast, but it has. Feeling less bloated, too, which is nice.

Just got back from the market. Had to go order a cake for a co-worker's anniversary for tomorrow. While there, I saw banana cake by the slice. Had one in my hand, thinking with coffee tonight for Special K and me, but then I put it back, cuz I knew it was more for me than K. She could care less about sweets (her thing is carbs and meats), so no biggie for her. At least until I am at my goal of 155, no more cakes. No more cookies. No more candies. No more chips. Not sure how long this mindset will last, but I like buying size L tops and size 12 pants - still dreaming about that size 10.

Just to have to tell myself that only I can make this happen. I will not be a statistic.

Same ole, same ole....

Nothing much going on that warrants a post. Having a very hard time maintaining my weight and it's all very frightening and confusing for me. I just don't understand how this is possible. After so many months of barely eating anything to go to gorging myself at times (it feels like gorging; I still get full very quickly, but I'm pushing the limits constantly) to the point of being uncomfortable - just doesn't make sense that my head is allowing my stomach to rule the roost. I just cannot gain it all back.

I just can't.