Still not funny...

I'm hoping that when I think back on yesterday morning, that I'll eventually think it funny.

I told you I got the Acai berry stuff from Costco. 99% pure acai berry - pours almost like ketchup; thick and goopy. I've been taking the prescribed ounce daily since I bought it weekend before last. And it's not as foul as my brother-in-law intimated that it might be. I wouldn't call it yummy but totally doable.

Yesterday morning, I get back from walking Spark and we're ready to leave for work when I remember that I hadn't taken my ounce of Acai berry juice yet. So I go to the kitchen, grab the bottle off the fridge, shake it like it sez on the bottle and tried to open it. It wouldn't so I grabbed a tea towel and worked the cap. Before I knew what was happening, that shit exploded ALL OVER THE FLIPPING KITCHEN and ALL OVER ME!!! What a freakin' mess. Dark purple junk EVERYWHERE and I am not exaggerating here. K came running in after hearing the very loud "pop" and couldn't believe the state of the kitchen.

Took us 40 minutes to wipe that shit off the walls, the fridge, the cabinets, the dishwasher, the counter, the floor, etc. etc. etc. I was tempted to leave it until we got back home from work, but we were afraid it would stain, and we were right. On one wall that I did last, you can still see very faint splatter marks, so I'm glad we were able to clean it up so quickly.

Of course, that made us very late for work. Not happy about that at all. I felt like such a cartoon when I looked in the mirror. All over my new black slacks and my nearly-new black and white sweater. They're still soaking in the washing machine - didn't get a chance to run a load last night. I sure hope it comes out. Will be majorly bummed if they're ruined.

Co-worker told me it sounds like a processing problem and fermentation; that gas just built up so much due to the incorrect processing. Which kind of sounds weird to me, as I've been using it every day with no problems. Wonder why it would do that from one day to the next.

So, still too fresh to be funny. Did go to Costco today, though, and exchanged the bottle for a new one. I just hope it doesn't do it again.

It's working!

Back on track, for the most part. I've lost 5 pounds this past week that I had regained and that feels good. Still have the occasional something that I shouldn't, but I have the cookie/candy thing under much better control. Really lost it there for a while and had to redo my line of thinking.

And while I have my day-time snacking under much better control, I'm still fighting the night-time hungries. Dinners I do fine; it's while I'm finally at my computer with the TV on, with my glass of wine, and I'm relaxing. I'm trying to substitute stuff (pretzels instead of chips; little dill pickles instead of candies; that sort of thing), and for the most part, that's going OK.

But all of this has reinforced how much better I feel at this weight as opposed to what I once was. It feels good to have my jeans not straining at the button. I'm amazed what 5 pounds can feel like.

Just got to keep it up. I've realized this before, but this weight thing? It's going to have to be a conscious thing for the rest of my life.

Back on track...

I hope. I bought this Acai berry stuff from Costco (my brother-in-law recommended), plus I had Mega-T Green Tea with Hoodia tablets, and between the two, so far, so good. I don't feel all snacky today. Had my yogurt with my twigs and nuts this morning; having herring now and have an apple for my afternoon snack. Drank nearly a bottle of water so far. Probably TMI, but I've started a colon-cleanser regimen last night (also on my brother-in-law's recommendation). Didn't expect that to kick in so fast, but it has. Feeling less bloated, too, which is nice.

Just got back from the market. Had to go order a cake for a co-worker's anniversary for tomorrow. While there, I saw banana cake by the slice. Had one in my hand, thinking with coffee tonight for Special K and me, but then I put it back, cuz I knew it was more for me than K. She could care less about sweets (her thing is carbs and meats), so no biggie for her. At least until I am at my goal of 155, no more cakes. No more cookies. No more candies. No more chips. Not sure how long this mindset will last, but I like buying size L tops and size 12 pants - still dreaming about that size 10.

Just to have to tell myself that only I can make this happen. I will not be a statistic.

Same ole, same ole....

Nothing much going on that warrants a post. Having a very hard time maintaining my weight and it's all very frightening and confusing for me. I just don't understand how this is possible. After so many months of barely eating anything to go to gorging myself at times (it feels like gorging; I still get full very quickly, but I'm pushing the limits constantly) to the point of being uncomfortable - just doesn't make sense that my head is allowing my stomach to rule the roost. I just cannot gain it all back.

I just can't.

Honeymoon's over...

They call the first 9-12 months after weight loss surgery the honeymoon period, meaning you're going to lose weight and rapidly. I can see why - one's capacity for edible intake is severely limited, plus there's this overwhelming sense of just not wanting to eat. I can recall having to force myself many times, just because I knew I had to.

Sigh. The Honeymoon is (well, has been) officially over. And I believe my pouch has stretched out farther than I would have liked it to. I have gained weight back - I'm not saying how much only because it's so depressing and I cannot let it get to me.

All these things I thought I learned and trained myself on - out the window with the return of my appetite. Once I start eating, it's so hard to tell myself to stop. And because my pouch is still much smaller than my old stomach used to be, I can hurt myself if I go too far. It goes beyond feeling full - it can get painful, except it takes your mind, what, 10-15 minutes? to tell your stomach that it's full, so if you're not paying attention to what you're putting in your mouth, you can overfill it, and boom - ouch.

If I wanted chocolate, a mini-size was more than enough to satisfy my craving. Now I want the whole bar, so I have to cut that out all together until I get my head to a place where it understands moderation. Cookies - one was just fine. Now I want three or four. Just eating all kinds of crap that I shouldn't be and I know it while I'm eating it. So I don't understand how it is that this "want to eat" is so strong, after more than a year of hardly eating anything. One would think that the body is used to much less, so it doesn't need that much. So why the overwhelming hunger pangs?

I just refuse to allow myself to get back up there. My size 12 jeans still fit, but they're snug, whereas, for a little while there, they were just a bit loose (I wasthisclose to that size 10!) I know this comes off as vanity when I say my clothes aren't hanging as nice; therefore, I'm not feeling as pretty as I did, but it's not that. I am just SO AFRAID that I'm going to let myself slooooowwwwlllly gain it all back. And that's just not an option. I did not go through all of this just for a few months of being thin. I like being thin. I want to stay thin. I like writing that - I am thin and want to stay thin. I read back over some previous posts and I see "I like seeing what I see in the mirror more than what that "whatever" would have tasted" in several places.

Gotta get it back on the ball. Gotta up the water intake and cut out the crap. I was just too close to my goal to lose it now.

I'm not a praying woman, but dang - pray for me, 'k?